By: Bri Deutsch
I love walking. It’s during my walks that I connect with God on a deeper level. And that day was no different — it was a rainy, fall day and I was taking a walk on a grainy path trail that was littered with multi-colored leaves and overhanging trees.
As the rain began to pelt, I felt compelled to keep walking – I wanted to have a talk with the God of the universe. I wanted answers for complex questions like, “Why do you allow suffering?” and “Why won’t you heal instantaneously every time we ask?” Yet, in the midst of my rampant rambling, I felt a tinge on my heart with the question, “Brianna, what’s really going on?”
With that question, I began to weep tears of pent up confusions, resentment towards myself and feelings of fear that I don’t have it all together. It was in that vulnerable moment that I felt a release from striving to keep composed; I experienced the God who craves deep intimacy with the one’s He loves.
God taught me that vulnerability is not a form of weakness; it’s actually very much the contrary. It is in those beautifully raw moments that we possess a stance of humility. We live in such a multifaceted society that tells us to be authentic, tell our story, but forfeit the facts that may add discomfort to the audience. Living in this interchangeable dichotomy creates less freedom and more chaos.
May I be so bold to write that we are created for more than this. We are created to live free from the web of our artistically and perfectly painted accounts of our lives, and we are built to live in a place of authentic freedom. Let us not omit the facts that make our voices shake. Let us stand firm in the knowing that there are missing pieces to the stories, that there are gaps we would rather avoid, and that we are still on this journey and maybe we haven’t arrived – wherever arriving may be. Most importantly let us deeply know the story is not over.
During my walk that day I felt seen by a perfect God who ruthlessly loves me, from the beginning to the end of my story. It was through my vulnerability that I felt connection, peace and deeply rooted. I exposed myself to Him and he welcomed me to a place of rest.
That is why I now choose to own my whole story, the imperfect story, the wrestling for my testimony story. Because when I become more honest and accept the current version of the story and events that is when I began to experience freedom.
Photo Cred: Chelsea Steller
Brianna Deutsch is “a quirky woman of faith”, who is passionate about seeing others discover their worth and value. She believes in second chances, unwavering love and finding the perfect cup of coffee. Brianna is studying Leadership and Psychology at Trinity Western University.