Life or Death

17 Apr 2012

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Below is a personal testimony from Christie, a beloved Wonderfully Made Executive Team member. It is raw, honest, powerful and true, and intended to provide perspective. To learn more about Christie’s story and the freedom she’s experienced from her past, please watch her HerStory film here.

[photo credit]

I had two abortions at Planned Parenthood. One when I was 15 and one when I was 18. What I am about to share is not speculation or opinion. It’s my own experience. When I got pregnant unexpectedly, I was scared. I didn’t want to be pregnant, and I certainly wasn’t ready to have a baby, and I didn’t want my boyfriend to leave me. I didn’t want to discuss my pregnancy options, because I didn’t feel as though I had options. And I didn’t want to talk it over with my family, because I didn’t want them to try to talk me into having the babies. I just wanted the pregnancies to be over. So I went to Planned Parenthood.

I was told that some women experience depression after having an abortion. This does not even begin to describe what I experienced after my abortion. The second was worst than the first. I didn’t know exactly where the deep feelings of hopelessness and loss were coming from at the time, but they ended up almost taking my life. After years of self-medicating with substances and unhealthy relationships, I knew I had to get to the root of my pain. That’s when I realized the impact of my two abortions.

I couldn’t help but feel a deep connection to the two children, my two children, that had been vacuumed from my own womb. This is not a “socially savvy” thing to say, but it is the truth. I wanted my babies back, along with the pieces of my heart I had given up with them. I had two abortions because I was afraid of what would happen and what my life would be like if I didn’t. I was trying to maintain control felt like that was the way to do it. But those abortions shook something unexplainable in the very core of my being as a woman that I will not attempt to describe.

With every fiber of my being, I want to see women respected and honored by men, by society, and by themselves. As women, we were created to be strong, wise, and beautiful. But there is an oppressive force at work. Greed is playing off our fear of rejection. And it is playing off our fear of taking a stand against the Silent Holocaust of Abortion—a multi-billion dollar industry that kills more than one million babies every year. That’s more than two million lives each year that are destroyed if you count the mothers who give their children up to death. Three million if you count the fathers. I know, because handing my babies over to death destroyed my life. It took me years to be able admit this. My heart was too hard at first, and I felt like I had to block out the pain to cope, to survive.

As a woman deeply invested in seeing other women treated with admiration and honor, I am calling you, Reader, Friend, Sister, to take a stand for Life. There is a line in the sand, and as uncomfortable or socially inappropriate as it may be to call abortion what it is, “murder”, we have to start telling the truth. Abortion is not a matter of women’s rights. It’s a matter of human rights. And unborn babies are humans, created by God, with a heartbeat and eyes, and fingers and toes, and most importantly: an eternal soul.

Jesus never rejected me when I had my abortions, and I am not suggesting by any stretch of the imagination that you reject women who abort their babies, or that you live in shame if you have had an abortion (or two, or three, or four, or five). Jesus never shames people. Wholly and completely, He removes shame and heals.

He healed the depths of my heart with His love and forgiveness when I came to Him and asked. And He will do the same for anyone who calls out to Him from their heart for healing, freedom, and new life. It might not happen instantly, but it will happen. He gave up His own life for this very purpose: so we could be forgiven, healed, and reconciled to God. This is the main reason we must not stoop to death, or choose to look the other way by remaining silent. For the sake of Christ.

How have you experienced healing from the Lord, despite the shameful or dark things in your past?

P.S. October Baby is now in theaters, but unfortunately it’s not playing everywhere. Watch the trailer here, and click here to find out where it’s playing near you.




  1. Anonymous Says: April 17, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    I had an abortion when I was younger. I didn’t realize the mental and emotional implications until years later, when I was truly and completely broken. He, too, forgave me and redeemed me in His blood. The same blood He shed knowing what I would do centuries later. Through my forgiveness and testimony, another woman came to know Christ as her Savior. She didn’t think He could forgive her for having an abortion, but through His forgiveness of me, she saw that He would. And He did. It still amazes me that God can receive the glory from even the the most shameful parts of our lives. Is. 43:4 He loves us BIG!

    • Yes! Thank you so much for sharing this. I love what God says to us in Isaiah 43:4 “because you are precious to me, you are honored, and I love you.”
      He makes all things new, restores, and turns our places of deep hurt and trouble into areas of help, comfort, and hope. “Our God is a God who saves. From the sovereign Lord comes escape from death.”

  2. Anonymous Says: April 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    I needed this..I needed this so bad. Its been two years since I had that “operation”. I still find it hard to say it. The father of my child was very supportive and he was hurt too that we had to go down that road,but no one can ever understand unless they’ve been through it too. I named my child,maybe that made it worse but I felt I owed that to him.I have an anniversary of sorts for him every year. I’ve never been able to honestly pray about it,I always feel God can’t forgive something so horrible. Normally,people don’t post honest stories like this,and I’m so grateful you did.I really needed to read this.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I’m almost in tears reading it. I love you. That may sound funny as I don’t even know who you are, but I love you. That is what God wants to say to you today precious sister. He is crazy about you and wants you to come to Him for healing. He’s not mad at you, not even a little. “Call out my name for healing,” Jesus says to you. “I want to set you free from this guilt you’ve been carrying. Your child is with me in heaven.”

  3. Thanks for being so open. It is a difficult question to discuss especially after you’ve done it as you don’t know how life with the baby would have been. For me it was the right decision even though it was hard. Very hard. But I know that I wouldn’t have been able to give the child away and that I couldn’t have cped with the baby depressed as I was. I’m sure God has taken care of the baby and I’m sure one day I will be a good mother. And: I know now that it isn’t worth sleeping with a guy without protection just because he wants be to.

    • Mathilda, first of all I have to say your name is beautiful. It means “mighty in battle”. Wow, just writing that I sense God’s calling on your life to be a warrior for His purposes, to submit to His will for your life. I’ve often questioned God’s will for my life, and being the fiery independent type I can often be, it’s been and continues to be crucial for me to search the Bible to learn who God is and what He wants in a relationship with me. One thing I’ve learned is that He never makes rules to take our fun away, but to protect us. I used to question why He says that sex outside of marriage is wrong. Now I know that it’s because He wants to protect us physically, emotionally, and spiritually from giving our valuable bodies to men who are not completely committed to us as a Loving husband is to His wife. When I searched the Scriptures to see how God feels about abortion, I found Psalm 139. “You watched me as I was being woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born.” when God created the first human beings, Adam and Eve, in the Garden of Eden, God says He created them in His image. This is what sets human beings apart from the rest of creation: we are made in the image of God, with an eternal soul and spirit. God gives each person He creates this eternal soul. That is why Jesus tells us not to fear man, who can only kill the body, but to fear God, who can send the body and soul to hell forever. This sounds harsh, but God is a just and righteous God and He punishes sin. But God’s mercy, He promises us, is greater than His judgement. That is why He sent His only Son, whom He loved, to pay the price for sin in our place so that we can be reconcilled to God and have eternal life. It’s interesting that in the Bible Jesus refers to Himself as Life and to Satan as Death. God gives us a choice and tells us, “Choose Life that you may live. You and your children.” Deut 30:19. Because God tells us to choose life, we know that choosing death is not the right choice. Mathilda, God created you to be loved, treasured, and adored, to choose life, and to be “mighty in battle” for what is right. We’re so thankful for your life and the ways God will use to you impact others for good as you surrender to Him. Much love to you precious one

  4. Anonymous Says: April 18, 2012 at 4:08 am

    Oh, as I watched your video story– I cried like a baby. Balling with the hugest tears that won’t seem to stop. Thank you for your honesty. My story is not one of abortion, but it is one of deep deep deep shame. That needs deep healing….and redeeming. I was trashed, absued, misused and ruined by father who sexually abused me for many years. I’m a Christian– but while running from my pain also made some horrible choices. I have surrendered my life to him….but how I long for him to USE me, and use the painful places He is healing for His glory.

  5. Your heart is so precious to your heavenly Father, who is your Provider, Protector, and Savior. I believe He wants you to know how loved you are just because you are you. Just as you are right now, you are perfect to Him. He will use these places of pain as doors of hope and healing, but He wants you to know that you are perfectly loved just by being and not by doing. There is nothing you need to do to win His approval. He approves of you. You are spotless. Treasured. Safe. He is already using you in ways you may not see and He has big things in store, tasks appointed just for you. Your testimony is powerful. Share it! Please read Isaiah 51. This is one of my life passages and I know it is yours too! I love you sister. You are so brave. You were ransomed with the blood of Jesus Christ. Nothing can defeat you. Your enemy is a conquered foe. Jesus hated what happened to you. He cried when you were abused, and He promises your pain will not be in vain. You were called and set apart for noble purposes. “Listen o daughter, consider and give ear. Forget your people and your father’s house. The king is enthralled by your beauty. Honor him, for he is your lord.” psalm 45:10

    • Anonymous Says: April 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

      Christy, is there an email address I can send you something? As I read this morning…I am in tears again. (I rarely cry! Haha– seriously) I want to share something I think God gave me via the word last night. I couldn’t sleep as I kept thinking about your story, and the other comments on here with some deep painful places (and I know how many other stories there must be too). Anyways…I want to share this something if I can. You have dearly touched a place in my heart and reminded me of a promise I have yet to see to be fulfilled by God– but one I see in your life from the little bit you’ve shared. YOU RADIATE for Him! (Psalms 34:4-6)

    • Anonymous Says: April 18, 2012 at 3:55 pm

      Christy, I just posted it here. This is what was spoken into my life as truth after hearing your story, crying and letting penetrate:

      A Radiant Reflection

      Every single one of us has things we are ashamed of. Some of us have skeletons in our closet and fervently hope and pray they are never revealed. As humans we have secrets we cling to, memories we suppress, and moments of our pasts we abhor. As Christians it is often easier to mask, deny, numb or overachieve in response to our shame.

      We understand the sufficency of the cross. We claim and cling to mercy, grace, and the wonderful redeemig love of our Savior! But somehow, even in our understanding and belief of such extravagant love we often grasp firmly the grip of shame in our own lives and refuse to let it go. We allow the enemy to confuse our thoughts and whisper lies about our identity to us!

      Have you ever met a Christian who has been healed from the deathly grips of such shame? Seen their smile as they share the transforming power of God’s grace in their life? As you hear them talk your heart longs to experience that same redemption. Your spirit aches for that same freedom. From the depths of your soul you cry out to God to wash away the shame that you so often fall prisioner to.

      As I was hearing such a miraculous story last night, my heart connected so desperately to my Father God, “Heal me!” I cried. “Take away my shame Father, heal me Abba!”

      My dad is a sexual predator who abused me physically, spiritually and psycholgically. Although God has redeemed me with a strong and mighty hand– traces of my shame still linger. He has healed so much of my very wounded heart, but the shame still rears an ugly head quite regularly. I understand quite well that I did not ask for, want, or give permission for the abuse that transpired at the hands of my Father. However, at times I so easily adopt my shameful identity instead of the one Christ has given me: Trashed. Abused. Misused. Filthy.

      As I was praying late last night I opened to the Psalms and read a verse that pierced my heart. Psalms 34:4:6

      I sought the LORD, and he answered me; 
   he delivered me from all my fears. 
5 Those who look to him are radiant; 
   their faces are never covered with shame. 
6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; 
   he saved him out of all his troubles.

      As I thought on the miraculous story of this fellow sister who had been set free from such deep debilitating shame, something clicked so profoundly that I had to share it. You see, when we bring the dark places of our heart to our Savior– somethng phenominal happens. On the cross Jesus bore the shame that each of us face, every horrifying detail of both the decisions we have made that have shamed us and also the things done to us by others.

      This verse says those that look to Him are radiant! Beaming. Glorious. What a word! My heart cries, “I want to be radiant too, Jesus!”

      The astounding thing that touched my heart about this passage is this: When we look to Jesus we are radiant, not because of anything we can do for ourselves— but because we reflect Him. He’s already paid the price of our shame. We radiate when we are a reflection of our Savior! We are radiant because our lives are a display of mercy, grace, and love.

      The truth is, when we look to Jesus with the shame in our lives– we become a glorious radiant reflection of Him!

    • I am totally blown away by this! Glory to God! Your testimony of Christ’s healing will impact the lives of hundreds and thousands! You are Lovely!!! You are radiant! Thank you so much for reflecting Christ’s Light!!! Would it be okay if I share what you wrote at a woman’s conference next weekend? This is Truth! What a word from your loving and strong God!

    • Anonymous Says: April 20, 2012 at 3:34 am

      Christie– sure! That is why I posted anonymous. I write often as I allow God speak to my heart so that I can record the truths I am learning! Thank you for being a radiant reflection. You and Natalies story this week together have given me the PUSH for my next step of healing. I went to a group called celebrate recovery for the first time tonight…and told a small sliver of my story. I too wish to learn to let God FULLY heal the broken places so that He can use them….He is…I know He is!

  6. Speechless. Beautiful. Full of grace. And truth. Love you Christie and girls thank you for opening up with your stories – God is the lifter of our shame. You are wholly and dearly loved.

  7. karoline Says: April 19, 2012 at 8:30 am

    How deep the Father’s love for us, how vast beyond all measures. Thanks Christie for sharing your story. A lot of people should read this, you’re touching upon such an important and difficult theme. I’m filled with joy when I read how God has healed you, I stand in awe of how He works in our lives. Wow, God is so full of love and acceptance! Keep shining for Him, girl/girls! Jesus loves us!:)

  8. Anonymous Says: July 7, 2012 at 5:54 am

    Christie – is there any way I can get in contact with you, such as an email address? I went through a similar situation and I am trying to reach out to God for healing and forgiveness. I just need someone to talk to. Thanks! 🙂

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